“Xtranormal” is a free service that lets you turn text into animated movies. If you can type a basic dramatic script, you can watch computer-generated avatars perform it with (badly) computer-synthesized voices.
It was just a matter of time, of course, before someone wrote a fanciful script involving a fictional Humane Society of the United States CEO Wayne Pacelle.
Here's “HSUS meets an average cattleman.” We wish we’d thought of it first. It’s every bit as one-sided and self-promoting as a typical HSUS video, which probably makes it fair game. Our favorite bits of the script are after the jump.
Note that this is a work of fiction. Wayne Pacelle hasn’t actually said anything attributed to the “Wayne Pacelle” in this short film. (He may think it, but he hasn’t said it…)
Pacelle: I make up lies about you and get them in the news. I have lots of donors who give me lots of money to roll over people like you, you backwoods hick. I don’t care that we have never met before. I only pretend to care about animals, and every now and then I have to take some kind of action.
Cattleman: Can we discuss this logically?
Pacelle: No. I’m not interested in logic. I make my living based on people’s emotions. The more I can make the people angry at you and feel sorry for your animals, the more money they give me.
Cattleman: Our cattle get a good diet with vitamins and minerals. It makes their hair grow shiny and bright. Aren’t they shiny and bright? Just look at them.
Pacelle: Yes they are. They do look healthy. I’m impressed. They look good for animals that you abuse from time to time.
Cattleman: Kind of like how you hit your wife?
Pacelle: What are you talking about? I do not hit my wife.
Cattleman: You made a vicious statement about me that was not true. Turnaround is fair play. Do not judge me based on your ignorance.
Pacelle: Did you just call me incompetent?
Cattleman: No, you are not incompetent. You are learning fast this afternoon. Besides, anyone who can trick the voters in the entire states of California and Ohio and Missouri, and bully the entire state of Colorado is not incompetent. You are a marketing genius, but that is all. You are good at selling an idea. It is an idea with no basis—that kind of makes you a fraud. You still have to learn about animals.
Cattleman: Yes, there are many useful products—beef, leather, life-improving medications, cleaners and fertilizers, to printing inks and high gloss for magazines—many useful products are produced from beef cattle, even bicycle tires and drywall. What kind of contribution did you make to society today?
Pacelle: I held a conference where I told the world that I believe Michael Vick would be a good dog owner, now that he has done hard time.
Cattleman: Are you off your meds, Mr. Wayne Pacelle?
Pacelle: What? Why do you say that?
Cattleman: You introduced yourself by stating that you want to put me out of business. Now you tell me that a man convicted of dogfighting is a suitable pet owner. Your donors must be proud of you right about now.